I’ve just finished the core and strength session of the new programme for Week 2 and felt I had to post this blog whilst it’s still fresh in my mind.
The morning run of 6 miles was good. It was a beautifully cloudless, crisp morning and my legs felt normal. No aches or pains and the tightness that results in the dead feet only made the briefest of appearances. Perhaps I’m getting used to this. At this rate I’ll want to up the distance for all my runs.
As I mentioned in my last post, I had had a meeting with Bryan to go through the new exercises he had added to the programme. At first glance the routine seemed to be slightly lighter than that of last week, with fewer reps of, the now familiar, press-ups and crunchies. Some shoulder presses with dumbbells had been added and a Swiss Ball had been thrown into the mix. This meant that there were now things like ‘plank, on the Swiss Ball’, ‘crunchies, on the Swiss Ball’, ‘dips with feet on the Swiss Ball’, ‘Swiss Ball roll outs’.
Only the Swiss, as I’ve alluded to in the title, could invent something so breath-takingly simple and yet so core-shakingly hard.
I’d been shown how to do the exercises properly and had tried 1 or 2 at the time. No big deal, I’d thought. Having completed all the reps of all the different core exercises in succession, I think I may have to reconsider that thought. Each set was accompanied by much puffing, blowing and sweating and was rounded off with what can only be described as an earthy Anglo-Saxon exaltation. Crunchies and roll outs, held for 2 seconds, must be a particular favourite in the sadistic PTI’s arsenal, specially reserved for the most cocky of his charges.
If I can keep this up and lose the blubber, I’ll have a stomach suitable for any budding Derek Guyler. If you can understand that last statement, you’re either an old bugger like me or you need to get out more!
Oh, yes…
Tuesday 29 September 2009
Monday 28 September 2009
BLOGOF. Playing Catchup...
This is the end of the first week post. I'm having to play catch-up as it's been fairly hectic over the last few days. As I suggested previously, Friday was a definite training day and then maybe Sat' or Sun'. As it turned out Sunday was the better day for me and d'missus - cramming in 2 training sessions and a wedding shoot on Saturday would have resulted in serious mental and physical malfunction. A gibbering 'blob' is not a pretty sight.
Friday Sessions...
We got up a bit late on Friday morning (this is becoming too regular!) and were a bit pushed for time as my wife works in Oxfam from 9:30 on this day. With this in mind I suggested that we cut out the mini loop that we bolt on to the half way point to make up the 6 miles. I could add a loop to the end of the run while she went home to get ready to go out. As it turned out my calculations weren't that good and I only ended up doing 5.5 miles in stead of 6.
The run itself was quite pleasant - sunny and very little wind, so the river Taff on the Bay side of Penarth Road was like a mirror with the odd swan or cormorant disturbing the effect. My calves and feet seemed to be behaving themselves up to the halfway stretch point but as we headed up Lloyd George Avenue back into town, the inevitable numbness started to creep into my right foot and I plodded past the new John Lewis and through The Hayes with what seemed like 2 blocks of wood at the end of my legs. It's a strange feeling - not painful, more uncomfortable and I'm always worried that I could go over on my ankle. Saying that however, even when I go over uneven terrain in this state, my feet seem to know what they're doing.
Any how, a brief traffic stop brought the feet back to life for a while and we charged on into Bute Park behind the castle, running along the canal. When we got to the ambulance station we parted company and, as usually happens, I found I'd picked the pace up running on my own. That may sound like a gripe but it's not. Running at my wife's pace is really helpful when it comes to getting the miles back in my legs. As ever, she has a measured approach to these things unlike my bull at a gate method.
The 5.5 miles was completed in 50 minutes or so and I warmed down by picking my way through herds of freshers shuffling their way to the end of their first excitedly alcohol sodden week. At least I think they were freshers - can't quite understand why they all look about 12!
A late afternoon session saw the end to the training day in which I added some additional weight to the squats rep's. This was in the form of a 9 kilo dumbbell which I held in both hands to avoid any imbalance. I also tried to concentrate on trying to do each squat as correctly as possible - feet shoulder width apart and stick your bum out so that you're not bending at the ankle and your knees don't move forward - upper leg at 90 degrees to your lower leg at the bottom of the squat, back straight. If this isn't right please tell me.
Sunday Sessions...
I have to confess that I deviated from the programme this morning by upping the mileage for this run. Perhaps I should have consulted Bryan, my trainer, before doing so and I shall in future, but a Sunday long run is something I'd like to incorporate into my schedule. Strange as it may seem, I enjoy it.
The run was to be around 8 miles up the Taff Trail, along a short stretch of the Glamorgan Canal and back through Radyr Woods before rejoining the Taff Trail at Western Avenue and finishing by the Lodge behind Llys Tal y Bont. This was a run that I'd done many times before in my fitter days but I haven't run this far for ages so it was going to be a bit of a challenge.
It was a beautifully sunny September morning. There was a slight nip in the air and running along the river, past the various weirs, away from the traffic, fills you with that 'good to be alive' buzz that changes a fitness chore into great way to spend an hour or so. To top it all, I think the dead feet thing is resolving itself, as it seemed to go of its own accord like it used to and I felt great at the end of the run - like I could have gone on and on even though I'd upped the pace for the last mile or so. The final distance was a little under 8 miles @ 7.77 and total running time was 1:12:49 - comfortable.
The run really pepped me up for the rest of the day but it was a bit of a chore to drag my wobbly body into a pair of shorts to do the second, sweaty session. But drag & sweat I did and felt doubly smug when stepped out of the shower a little later, dried myself and shaved before settling down with a nicely chilled glass of prosecco - the spicy aroma of a soon to be consumed mexican stew tantalizing the taste buds.
So there we have the end of week 1. Done it and enjoyed it. The week 2 programme has arrived and I've had a meeting with Bryan to run through some of the new exercises.
The heat's been turned up a little bit so check in to see if I'll be cooking with gas or burned out.
Ta ta.
Friday Sessions...
We got up a bit late on Friday morning (this is becoming too regular!) and were a bit pushed for time as my wife works in Oxfam from 9:30 on this day. With this in mind I suggested that we cut out the mini loop that we bolt on to the half way point to make up the 6 miles. I could add a loop to the end of the run while she went home to get ready to go out. As it turned out my calculations weren't that good and I only ended up doing 5.5 miles in stead of 6.
The run itself was quite pleasant - sunny and very little wind, so the river Taff on the Bay side of Penarth Road was like a mirror with the odd swan or cormorant disturbing the effect. My calves and feet seemed to be behaving themselves up to the halfway stretch point but as we headed up Lloyd George Avenue back into town, the inevitable numbness started to creep into my right foot and I plodded past the new John Lewis and through The Hayes with what seemed like 2 blocks of wood at the end of my legs. It's a strange feeling - not painful, more uncomfortable and I'm always worried that I could go over on my ankle. Saying that however, even when I go over uneven terrain in this state, my feet seem to know what they're doing.
Any how, a brief traffic stop brought the feet back to life for a while and we charged on into Bute Park behind the castle, running along the canal. When we got to the ambulance station we parted company and, as usually happens, I found I'd picked the pace up running on my own. That may sound like a gripe but it's not. Running at my wife's pace is really helpful when it comes to getting the miles back in my legs. As ever, she has a measured approach to these things unlike my bull at a gate method.
The 5.5 miles was completed in 50 minutes or so and I warmed down by picking my way through herds of freshers shuffling their way to the end of their first excitedly alcohol sodden week. At least I think they were freshers - can't quite understand why they all look about 12!
A late afternoon session saw the end to the training day in which I added some additional weight to the squats rep's. This was in the form of a 9 kilo dumbbell which I held in both hands to avoid any imbalance. I also tried to concentrate on trying to do each squat as correctly as possible - feet shoulder width apart and stick your bum out so that you're not bending at the ankle and your knees don't move forward - upper leg at 90 degrees to your lower leg at the bottom of the squat, back straight. If this isn't right please tell me.
Sunday Sessions...
I have to confess that I deviated from the programme this morning by upping the mileage for this run. Perhaps I should have consulted Bryan, my trainer, before doing so and I shall in future, but a Sunday long run is something I'd like to incorporate into my schedule. Strange as it may seem, I enjoy it.
The run was to be around 8 miles up the Taff Trail, along a short stretch of the Glamorgan Canal and back through Radyr Woods before rejoining the Taff Trail at Western Avenue and finishing by the Lodge behind Llys Tal y Bont. This was a run that I'd done many times before in my fitter days but I haven't run this far for ages so it was going to be a bit of a challenge.
It was a beautifully sunny September morning. There was a slight nip in the air and running along the river, past the various weirs, away from the traffic, fills you with that 'good to be alive' buzz that changes a fitness chore into great way to spend an hour or so. To top it all, I think the dead feet thing is resolving itself, as it seemed to go of its own accord like it used to and I felt great at the end of the run - like I could have gone on and on even though I'd upped the pace for the last mile or so. The final distance was a little under 8 miles @ 7.77 and total running time was 1:12:49 - comfortable.
The run really pepped me up for the rest of the day but it was a bit of a chore to drag my wobbly body into a pair of shorts to do the second, sweaty session. But drag & sweat I did and felt doubly smug when stepped out of the shower a little later, dried myself and shaved before settling down with a nicely chilled glass of prosecco - the spicy aroma of a soon to be consumed mexican stew tantalizing the taste buds.
So there we have the end of week 1. Done it and enjoyed it. The week 2 programme has arrived and I've had a meeting with Bryan to run through some of the new exercises.
The heat's been turned up a little bit so check in to see if I'll be cooking with gas or burned out.
Ta ta.
Thursday 24 September 2009
No Fit State For Inspiration
As I said in my last post, day 3 would be a rest day and so it was. Rest is as important as the exercises are themselves. You have to allow your body time to develop and get used to the new workload.
It was an ideal day to have an early dinner down in Cardiff Bay and be entertained, and entertained we most certainly were.
We'd seen the posters and leaflets for Nofit State Circus all over the place and had been meaning to go for ages but with only a few days left of Tabu, the current tour, we thought we'd better take the opportunity. I booked a couple of tickets through the Wales Millennium Centre for the 7:30 show that evening and we made plans to get down to the Bay by 6 o'clock so that we could grab a leisurely bite to eat before the show.
Picking the tickets up a little earlier than planned meant that we had time for a quick pint before wandering over to Wagamama, where the teriyaki salmon hit the proverbial spot, bang on.
Things had changed since we last saw Nofit State, some 10 or so, years ago in Bute Park. For one thing, the Space Ship Big Top was quite a spectacle in itself with a bar and various stages, platforms, gantries and even a shop, of sorts, selling t-shirts. Also, we'd been told that Tabu was a 'promenade' performance so there was no seating.
For the next 2 and a bit hours we were witnesses to the most jaw-droppingly wonderful, sensual, mesmerizing, funny and riotously inventive live entertainment I have ever seen. If you are reading this and there's still time to see it, then drop everything, cancel all other engagements and be amazed.
More importantly, in relation to this blog, I was totally inspired by the performers. They are all truly amazing - fit, agile, supple, well sculpted and shockingly strong. I have nothing but respect for these awesome athletes.
Back down here on earth, I have re-shuffled my training schedule again so that day 4 is also a rest day. What with the late night and a couple of sherbets I've decided to spread the 4 sessions out over the week a bit more. Friday (day 5) is a definite and either Saturday or Sunday will be the final session of the week, depending on how the wedding I'm photographing on Saturday goes.
I'll report back when there's more to say.
Toodle pip.
It was an ideal day to have an early dinner down in Cardiff Bay and be entertained, and entertained we most certainly were.
We'd seen the posters and leaflets for Nofit State Circus all over the place and had been meaning to go for ages but with only a few days left of Tabu, the current tour, we thought we'd better take the opportunity. I booked a couple of tickets through the Wales Millennium Centre for the 7:30 show that evening and we made plans to get down to the Bay by 6 o'clock so that we could grab a leisurely bite to eat before the show.
Picking the tickets up a little earlier than planned meant that we had time for a quick pint before wandering over to Wagamama, where the teriyaki salmon hit the proverbial spot, bang on.
Things had changed since we last saw Nofit State, some 10 or so, years ago in Bute Park. For one thing, the Space Ship Big Top was quite a spectacle in itself with a bar and various stages, platforms, gantries and even a shop, of sorts, selling t-shirts. Also, we'd been told that Tabu was a 'promenade' performance so there was no seating.
For the next 2 and a bit hours we were witnesses to the most jaw-droppingly wonderful, sensual, mesmerizing, funny and riotously inventive live entertainment I have ever seen. If you are reading this and there's still time to see it, then drop everything, cancel all other engagements and be amazed.
More importantly, in relation to this blog, I was totally inspired by the performers. They are all truly amazing - fit, agile, supple, well sculpted and shockingly strong. I have nothing but respect for these awesome athletes.
Back down here on earth, I have re-shuffled my training schedule again so that day 4 is also a rest day. What with the late night and a couple of sherbets I've decided to spread the 4 sessions out over the week a bit more. Friday (day 5) is a definite and either Saturday or Sunday will be the final session of the week, depending on how the wedding I'm photographing on Saturday goes.
I'll report back when there's more to say.
Toodle pip.
Wednesday 23 September 2009
Day Two - That's more like it!
Day two started the way I intended day one to start. Got up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head...
...sorry. Got carried away. Well, it is a day in the life of me.
Any road up, what I meant to say was that the second day of my schedule went according to plan. I was a wee bit sore in various parts of my upper body but it's that sort of good soreness that tells you you've been using some muscles you haven't been using for a while. A sort of smug pain and somehow that makes it feel quite pleasant really.
I was a little worried that my calves would play up again and my hamstring was a bit taut so I got my wife to give my legs a bit of a rub down with some oil and bunged on some tubey-grip around my right calf to help the circulation (I'll stand corrected but I believe that's why Paula Radcliff wears the long socks and if it's good enought for Paula...). This seemed to do the trick as, although it didn't go away completely, it only happened towards the end of the run.
Once again we encountered a bit of stopping and starting because of the traffic and we stopped again at the halfway point to stretch but we managed a similar time to the previous day - 5.96 miles in 54 min's 50 sec's. In general, we're out for about 1 hour 3 min's but the actual running time is what I've detailed.
We stop the run just under half a mile from the house and walk from there. This acts as a warm-down and then we stretch a bit when we get home. I have to admit that I'm quite used to having a hot shower and then switching it to cold on my legs. It's the second session ablutions that do me in!
At about 5 pm I headed for the garage to do the strength, core and stability session.
As before, 5 min's warm-up on the cross trainer was followed by some dynamic stretching and then I got down to the nitty-gritty. Bryan was right, the 'toe touch' sit-ups are a killer. Especially when you do 5 more rep's per set than you're supposed to. That'll teach me to make sure I know what I'm doing before diving in!
The rest of the session went well. Hard work but satisfying. I think I may need to add some weights into the equation when I do the squats as I'm finding these quite easy. What say you Boss?
I'm to do these sessions 3 to 4 times a week, so I've decided to do Monday, Teusday, Thursday and Friday this week. Day 3, so to speak, will therefore be a rest day.
Thanks for the encouragement, Bryan. I'd also like to hear what other people think if they're reading this.
TTFN
...sorry. Got carried away. Well, it is a day in the life of me.
Any road up, what I meant to say was that the second day of my schedule went according to plan. I was a wee bit sore in various parts of my upper body but it's that sort of good soreness that tells you you've been using some muscles you haven't been using for a while. A sort of smug pain and somehow that makes it feel quite pleasant really.
I was a little worried that my calves would play up again and my hamstring was a bit taut so I got my wife to give my legs a bit of a rub down with some oil and bunged on some tubey-grip around my right calf to help the circulation (I'll stand corrected but I believe that's why Paula Radcliff wears the long socks and if it's good enought for Paula...). This seemed to do the trick as, although it didn't go away completely, it only happened towards the end of the run.
Once again we encountered a bit of stopping and starting because of the traffic and we stopped again at the halfway point to stretch but we managed a similar time to the previous day - 5.96 miles in 54 min's 50 sec's. In general, we're out for about 1 hour 3 min's but the actual running time is what I've detailed.
We stop the run just under half a mile from the house and walk from there. This acts as a warm-down and then we stretch a bit when we get home. I have to admit that I'm quite used to having a hot shower and then switching it to cold on my legs. It's the second session ablutions that do me in!
At about 5 pm I headed for the garage to do the strength, core and stability session.
As before, 5 min's warm-up on the cross trainer was followed by some dynamic stretching and then I got down to the nitty-gritty. Bryan was right, the 'toe touch' sit-ups are a killer. Especially when you do 5 more rep's per set than you're supposed to. That'll teach me to make sure I know what I'm doing before diving in!
The rest of the session went well. Hard work but satisfying. I think I may need to add some weights into the equation when I do the squats as I'm finding these quite easy. What say you Boss?
I'm to do these sessions 3 to 4 times a week, so I've decided to do Monday, Teusday, Thursday and Friday this week. Day 3, so to speak, will therefore be a rest day.
Thanks for the encouragement, Bryan. I'd also like to hear what other people think if they're reading this.
TTFN
Tuesday 22 September 2009
Day One - The best laid plans...
Having spoken to Bryan the night before I was relieved to hear the schedule of exercise he'd sent to me shouldn't be done all in one session. It broke down like this:
Warm-up and stretching
Core and stability exercises
1 hour cardio vascular [CV]
Strength exercises
Warm-down and stretching
Ice bath or hot/cold shower
Apart from the time it would take to do all of this in one go (I do have some time on my hands at the mo'), he wanted me to spread it out over the day. Effectively, the CV exercise could be done in one session and the remaining core and strength rep's session at another point in the day. Of course, the warm-up and down and stretching need to be done with both.
I probably need to explain at this point that my wife and I have done a fair bit of running in our time but had only in the last couple of months got back into running regularly. We've had to build the mileage back up very slowly as we'd really let it slip over the last couple of years.
So, the plan for day one was; up nice and early; 6 mile run with the missus; core and strength session later in the day.
As the title of the post suggests, the best laid plans, etc., etc...
I'd woken up at about 3 in the morning with nagging sinus headache. A couple of ibuprofen would sort that out but getting back to sleep was obviously a task too far for my aching brain. Much turning, sighing, thinking and sheep counting then ensued until the whining drone of affairs rural banished the silence and Farming Today announced that a new day was upon us. Only at this point did it seem I was able to nod off. Why does that happen!?
Needless to say, the prospect lugging my hefty frame around the streets of Cardiff for an hour did not appeal at that moment and keeping to the same plan but a couple of hours later wasn't fair on my wife (crusts to earn and all that!). The resolution to this thorny conundrum was to swap the sessions around.
After a bit of a lie in and letting breakfast settle I headed down to the garage to tackle the non-CV bit. I have a cross-trainer, exercise bike thing which uses a combination of arms and legs to operate, so that was employed for the warm-up. Laying an old rug down and using a chair allowed me to do the various 'body weight' exercises.
Bryan had told me that the most important part of this was not to run over the suggested rest times between rep's. It didn't matter if I struggled to do the indicated number of press-ups or sit-ups, just keep to the 30 seconds, or whatever, between each set. I have to confess that struggle I did. The last set of each of the exercises had to be really ground out but I'm pleased to say I did all that was asked of me.
The run was tackled a few hours later, just before lunch, which was a convenient time for the Good Lady to take a break from the pooter. We normally walk for a couple of hundred yards before breaking into a run and take a break at the halfway point to stretch and have some water. Wanting to fall in line with the new training regime we decided to start as normal but stop to stretch after a mile or so. As it happens we had to stop a few times during the run, either for traffic (there's a lot more than when you run first thing in the morning) and to stretch my calves out as they were tightening up and making my feet go dead. This is something that used to happen a bit when I ran regularly but would sort itself out after a few minutes. It seems to be more regular and long lasting now but today was particularly frequent and annoying. I shall consult the guru and I'm sure we'll work something out.
In spite of all the minor travails the first day was completed successfully. When all the traffic and stretch stop times were taken out, actual running time was 54 mins 23 secs during which we covered 5.95 miles and all the sit-ups, press-ups, dips and squats were ground out, so not a bad day in the end.
The cold shower's going to take some getting used to though!
Warm-up and stretching
Core and stability exercises
1 hour cardio vascular [CV]
Strength exercises
Warm-down and stretching
Ice bath or hot/cold shower
Apart from the time it would take to do all of this in one go (I do have some time on my hands at the mo'), he wanted me to spread it out over the day. Effectively, the CV exercise could be done in one session and the remaining core and strength rep's session at another point in the day. Of course, the warm-up and down and stretching need to be done with both.
I probably need to explain at this point that my wife and I have done a fair bit of running in our time but had only in the last couple of months got back into running regularly. We've had to build the mileage back up very slowly as we'd really let it slip over the last couple of years.
So, the plan for day one was; up nice and early; 6 mile run with the missus; core and strength session later in the day.
As the title of the post suggests, the best laid plans, etc., etc...
I'd woken up at about 3 in the morning with nagging sinus headache. A couple of ibuprofen would sort that out but getting back to sleep was obviously a task too far for my aching brain. Much turning, sighing, thinking and sheep counting then ensued until the whining drone of affairs rural banished the silence and Farming Today announced that a new day was upon us. Only at this point did it seem I was able to nod off. Why does that happen!?
Needless to say, the prospect lugging my hefty frame around the streets of Cardiff for an hour did not appeal at that moment and keeping to the same plan but a couple of hours later wasn't fair on my wife (crusts to earn and all that!). The resolution to this thorny conundrum was to swap the sessions around.
After a bit of a lie in and letting breakfast settle I headed down to the garage to tackle the non-CV bit. I have a cross-trainer, exercise bike thing which uses a combination of arms and legs to operate, so that was employed for the warm-up. Laying an old rug down and using a chair allowed me to do the various 'body weight' exercises.
Bryan had told me that the most important part of this was not to run over the suggested rest times between rep's. It didn't matter if I struggled to do the indicated number of press-ups or sit-ups, just keep to the 30 seconds, or whatever, between each set. I have to confess that struggle I did. The last set of each of the exercises had to be really ground out but I'm pleased to say I did all that was asked of me.
The run was tackled a few hours later, just before lunch, which was a convenient time for the Good Lady to take a break from the pooter. We normally walk for a couple of hundred yards before breaking into a run and take a break at the halfway point to stretch and have some water. Wanting to fall in line with the new training regime we decided to start as normal but stop to stretch after a mile or so. As it happens we had to stop a few times during the run, either for traffic (there's a lot more than when you run first thing in the morning) and to stretch my calves out as they were tightening up and making my feet go dead. This is something that used to happen a bit when I ran regularly but would sort itself out after a few minutes. It seems to be more regular and long lasting now but today was particularly frequent and annoying. I shall consult the guru and I'm sure we'll work something out.
In spite of all the minor travails the first day was completed successfully. When all the traffic and stretch stop times were taken out, actual running time was 54 mins 23 secs during which we covered 5.95 miles and all the sit-ups, press-ups, dips and squats were ground out, so not a bad day in the end.
The cold shower's going to take some getting used to though!
Monday 21 September 2009
Get Me Out of Here!
I’ve always been fat. Fat kid, fat adolescent, fat adult. Admittedly, there have been periods in my life when I’ve been less fat. The ghosts of my slimmer self still possess the image I have of myself in my mind’s eye and shroud the carefully stage managed pose held by my reflection. Only the unexpected glimpse into an ill-angled changing room mirror or shop window, or the unaccustomed viewpoint of a candid photograph can exorcise those terrified spectres and I stare mortified, like a headlight ensnared bunny, at the corpulent truth.
Those same phantoms dress themselves in clothes to suit their svelte selves which, if they can find the right sort of poorly lit, single mirror fitting rooms, they make me buy. These clothes fill my wardrobe - the only use to which they’re employed.
…and then…
…waddling along the road to Damascus (or it could have been Lidl) the other day I had a sudden epiphany. A passer-by offered me a blessing and a clean handkerchief. I accepted both and after I’d cleaned myself off, realised that the bathroom scales had fallen from my eyes. Instead of imagining myself slim, toned and be-muscled, why don’t I become this holy trinity?
But how?
I quickly realised I had to force myself to accept what I really looked like. Also, a target physique should then be sought as the end result. With a certain amount of trepidation I set about the internet to find an image of a suitable, barely clad Adonis on which to pin my aspirations, all the time praying that my wife would not happen upon me mid trawl.
Having found said picture (Daniel Craig walking along a beach in a pair of trunks), I took a shot of myself similarly clad and posed but without the tan, good looks etc. The idea was for a before and after shot and so I had to let it all hang out (in a manner of speaking) to come to terms with what I look like at time of writing this. Not a pretty sight as you can see!
Half an hour of industrious Photoshop later, I had the desired effect. Exhibit A, Your Honour, a grotesque of love handles and moobs, blubber and beer belly, and exhibit B, M’Lord, a portrait of sculpted male perfection, envied by men and desired by women the world over – but with my head so the envy and desire bits should only apply from the neck down.
The next step…
The means to this glorious end will require nothing short of hard work, determination, sweat, self-discipline, sweat, determination, hard work and, let me see…
…oh yes, sweat. More than any of these, however, I’ll need help - but from whom?
The Personal Trainer…
I’ve known Bryan Shelbourne for a little while now through a mutual friend, and being a personal trainer with years of professional sport behind him, who better an artist to sculpt the new me? Without further ado, I got in touch to arrange a meeting.
I shouldn’t really have been surprised when instead of falling of his chair in fits of uncontrollable laughter; Bryan nodded sagely and agreed to put together a structured plan to achieve the transformation.
So here we are on Day 1. I have the first week's training schedule from Bryan. It's time to dust off dumbbells and buff up.
One small step...
Watch this space to see if the Fat Man can become the Fit Man. Stay tuned to see if I can get from Blob to Bond…
Those same phantoms dress themselves in clothes to suit their svelte selves which, if they can find the right sort of poorly lit, single mirror fitting rooms, they make me buy. These clothes fill my wardrobe - the only use to which they’re employed.
…and then…
…waddling along the road to Damascus (or it could have been Lidl) the other day I had a sudden epiphany. A passer-by offered me a blessing and a clean handkerchief. I accepted both and after I’d cleaned myself off, realised that the bathroom scales had fallen from my eyes. Instead of imagining myself slim, toned and be-muscled, why don’t I become this holy trinity?
But how?
I quickly realised I had to force myself to accept what I really looked like. Also, a target physique should then be sought as the end result. With a certain amount of trepidation I set about the internet to find an image of a suitable, barely clad Adonis on which to pin my aspirations, all the time praying that my wife would not happen upon me mid trawl.
Having found said picture (Daniel Craig walking along a beach in a pair of trunks), I took a shot of myself similarly clad and posed but without the tan, good looks etc. The idea was for a before and after shot and so I had to let it all hang out (in a manner of speaking) to come to terms with what I look like at time of writing this. Not a pretty sight as you can see!
Half an hour of industrious Photoshop later, I had the desired effect. Exhibit A, Your Honour, a grotesque of love handles and moobs, blubber and beer belly, and exhibit B, M’Lord, a portrait of sculpted male perfection, envied by men and desired by women the world over – but with my head so the envy and desire bits should only apply from the neck down.
The next step…
The means to this glorious end will require nothing short of hard work, determination, sweat, self-discipline, sweat, determination, hard work and, let me see…
…oh yes, sweat. More than any of these, however, I’ll need help - but from whom?
The Personal Trainer…
I’ve known Bryan Shelbourne for a little while now through a mutual friend, and being a personal trainer with years of professional sport behind him, who better an artist to sculpt the new me? Without further ado, I got in touch to arrange a meeting.
I shouldn’t really have been surprised when instead of falling of his chair in fits of uncontrollable laughter; Bryan nodded sagely and agreed to put together a structured plan to achieve the transformation.
So here we are on Day 1. I have the first week's training schedule from Bryan. It's time to dust off dumbbells and buff up.
One small step...
Watch this space to see if the Fat Man can become the Fit Man. Stay tuned to see if I can get from Blob to Bond…
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